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Hephaestus' Forged Letters

Alien Autopsy

One question has been on the minds of enquiring pirates this week - Malacats! What are they? Where did they come from? Why are they green? Hang on - that's three questions! Clearly there's a lot to answer here, and it's not going to be answered by idle speculation. Science experiment!

So, I headed on up to the Palace Shoppe, and bought myself a bag of Malacats. This brings us to the first experimental fact we learn about Malacats. Put more than about four of them in a sack, and things start to get ugly. I'm not sure that's too relevant, however, I think that cats get like that anyway.

Much squalling and scratching later, however, I got them all back to my Secret Aboveground Laboratory. As you can see, they're quite a handful.

Experiment 1.

Now, the first and most obvious question first - are these cats who've simply fallen in some dye? Well, there's only one way to check...

Man, I tell you, if you thought cats didn't like going in a sack...

Early results looked quite promising, with the new Light Green dye producing something that looked a lot like a Malacat. However, cats are pretty fastidious creatures, and set about washing themselves immediately. Short of steeping a cat in some mordant, I don't think we'll see a permanent effect. However Malacats got the way they are, I believe it's natural in origin.

Experiment 2
The next hypothesis is that they're native to Malachite. The evidence for this so far is that they appeared not long after Malachite was released. Seems pretty persuasive to me. However, we know for a fact that no ships can travel between oceans, and thus there's no trade of items between oceans at all. So if they're Malachite natives, how did they get everywhere else? Can they swim? How can we test that...?

Out to sea with two of my new companions. One of them is following me, one of them is roaming the ship. Fools! They suspect nothing!

We've arrived at the testing area. So far, both Malacats appear to be enjoying the life on the ocean wave. Onward!

Here Be Monsters! A Triketos and a Gorgonyx are nearby. They don't appear too interested in us. Fortunately, I planned ahead, and brought some swabbies with me, so I plank a couple as bait.

That got their attention! The Triketos turns, sneezes a few spears at us, and it's all over. The gorgonyx swarms in close, and hoovers up the remaining wailing swabbies.

Back home at the Forge - and they're ok! Nightmare, Seraph and Piggy McLaren welcome their new emerald overlords. Oh and yay! Pegleg! ...oh, wait...


  • Yes, Malacats are excellent swimmers, and could quite conceivably traverse the uncharted, unfathomable expanses between Malachite and the other oceans.
  • Swabbies are delicious.

Experiment 3.

To all intents and purposes, Malacats appear to be perfectly normal kitties. They get on well with normal cats, so I don't think they're from another planet.

I think that the answer is likely to be much closer to home. I believe that there may be something in their diet that cats just can't get on Midnight, Cobalt, Sage, Hunter or Viridian.

Just about lunchtime, we leave the experimental subjects in an enclosure in the laboratory.

An hour has passed. The cat seems well-fed and relaxed.


Well, there you have it, proof positive. Malacats are the way they are, purely because they live on a diet of Malarats. Nothing could be simpler. And I didn't have to dissect any of them.

Wait, if that's the case, why are Malarats green?

Quiet, you!


No cats, triketoseses or gorgonyxes were hurt in the making of this blog. Some rats and swabbies, though.


Posted by Shannal, Midnight Ocean

Heph, I think I love you. This was awesome! :)

June 09, 2008 at 03:52 PM PDT | permalink

Posted by Muffynz

Brilliant! Worth me waking up in a drunken stupor and stumbling upon.

June 10, 2008 at 04:46 AM PDT | permalink

Posted by Liviola

Very informative! Thanks, Hephaestus!

June 10, 2008 at 07:15 AM PDT | permalink

Posted by Gode, Malachite Ocean

Very nice job on those experiments, and even better writeup. Made a very enjoyable read!

June 10, 2008 at 07:40 AM PDT | permalink

Posted by Ynahteb

Squeehehehehe. <3

Poor rats and swabbies :(

June 10, 2008 at 06:04 PM PDT | permalink

Posted by Siruis, Malachite Ocean

YAYS! I own a malarat! It's green! woohoo!

June 13, 2008 at 01:18 AM PDT | permalink

Posted by Queenofb

/me just sits here and giggles quietly to herself about what she knows about those Malarats...

June 15, 2008 at 03:21 AM PDT | permalink

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ROFLMAO!!! Lovely experiment, Hephaestus!!! ^_^

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