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Hephaestus' Forged Letters

Cat out of bag, among pigeons.

After the recent announcement that there is a new kind of familiar in preparation, speculation has been rife. Well, I say speculation. Arguments, fighting and open warfare are more like it. On at least one ocean flags have formed sides along the "It's an owl, doofus!" and "It's obviously some kind of fish, fool!" lines. I think there'd probably be open war, if it wasn't for the fact the "Duh! It's a vulture!" faction wasn't poised to sweep in and take on the victor in their weakened post-conflict state.

I can't let this go on. It's tearing the game apart. I have to step in now, and at the risk of my position here at Three Rings, reveal exclusively just what this familiar is!

I was first alerted to the existence of the new familiar, when I heard Galene, Gaea and Hera whispering about it. They stopped when they saw me, however, which only served to make me more curious. I resolved to track one of them down, sneaked aboard Galene's ship, and hid. (Top Tip, would-be stalkers, if you're hiding, you may find that there's insufficient cover. Do what I do - bring your own elephant to hide behind. It makes you very difficult to spot.)

Soon enough, she came on board, and the amazing secret was revealed!

Yes, amazing though it may seem, it would appear that the new familiar is the Hephaestus Doll.

But wait, that's not all. What's this odd shape here?

Let's use the Three Rings CSI image enhancificator to clean that up.

Egad! And... Can it be...?


Well, clearly we're into very interesting territory here. The real question is how deep does this go?

Science Experiement!

What we clearly need here is some kind of supercollider to put this doll in. So I mailed them at CERN and asked them if I could have a go on their Large Hadron Collider. I waited a while but they've not got back to me on that, alas.

So, I had to make do with what I had, and sorted out something to hit an OM Doll really hard, to see what happened:

Developeron Particles!

So, what started out as an investigation into the shiny new familiar has not only solved that mystery, but also led us, quite by accident, to discover the fundamental particles of the universe, and the origins of existence itself. Which is nice.

Posted by Sharktail, Sage

Your standing in hiding has gone up and is now Neophyte/Renowned in your archipelago!

October 16, 2008 at 05:29 PM PDT | permalink

Posted by Hephaestus

Well, I'm no Lelantos, but my hiding skillz are pretty 'leet.

October 16, 2008 at 05:57 PM PDT | permalink

Posted by Skidwanlus

This is just silly. Everyone knows that the new familiar is the mini gunwhale.

October 16, 2008 at 10:01 PM PDT | permalink

Posted by CutlusJenny

Omg! Mr Hephaestus is about to start testing a (Super Hadron) Doll Collider...Under an Island the size of a Swiz Cheesey ...Me wonders which ocean this will be starting on...& When it all goes Bang! Bang! (on or near Halloween - But ending at midnight on Nov 5th) Will we all seas (hehe) a massive pirate style Tsunami going from ocean to Ocean riping out our Gunwhales . dont have nightmares

October 16, 2008 at 10:52 PM PDT | permalink

Posted by Briette

OMGZ!! this is super cool!!! lols. is it even real? and the dolls are super cute. :D

October 17, 2008 at 06:32 AM PDT | permalink

Posted by Rashnu

So Heph, what are you smoking and where can I find some?

October 17, 2008 at 06:45 PM PDT | permalink

Posted by Yarrby

You are kidding me, right?

October 17, 2008 at 08:11 PM PDT | permalink

Posted by Hephaestus

@Rashnu - Just my normal standard issue brain chemicals, God help me.

October 17, 2008 at 09:05 PM PDT | permalink

Posted by Hephaestus

@Yarrby - No, Yarrby, every word of that post was obviously intended to be taken with the utmost seriousness.

October 17, 2008 at 09:06 PM PDT | permalink

Posted by 1mari1

so,the mistery of the new familiar ends here?
and, you realy risk your job just to avoid the fightings?thats nice from you :)

October 17, 2008 at 09:42 PM PDT | permalink

Posted by Herowena

Hephaestusology 101 is my favorite science class.

October 18, 2008 at 12:36 AM PDT | permalink

Posted by Remalle

Pfft. The new familiar will obviously be a live human head. You can even wear one on each shoulder and recreated that Monty Python scene!

October 20, 2008 at 08:56 PM PDT | permalink

Posted by Bubbsies- your biggest fan now-

Oh muh gawd! Hephaestus you are my fave OM now it used to be cronus but thanks for that bit of info mate! it its fake i dont care ITS HILARIOUS ANYWAY! good job! ya my fave now :D

October 22, 2008 at 08:26 AM PDT | permalink

Posted by queenofb

/e sits back and wonders what oh so naughty things those particular familiars might whisper in one's ear... Oh to hell with it, gimme one NOOOWWWW so I can find out!!

/e wanders off giggling

October 22, 2008 at 09:32 AM PDT | permalink

Posted by Say no to drink driving! it wrooooong, drugs is wrooooong, your face is wrooooong rofl jokin jokin

yeahh, i ummm...need to look at a famil close up to see uh something so can u like give one free to me!

October 23, 2008 at 08:40 AM PDT | permalink

Posted by Bennyboi

ZOMG Hephaestus Doll! Me wants nao pl0x! And how come all the OMs can speak nub? I thought I could annoy Hera or someone by going lololol u no ken understnad meh but noes, you all know it. XD

October 27, 2008 at 11:30 AM PDT | permalink

Posted by Princessina

This is too good to be true. You know what I need, Hepheh?

An elephant. A big one.

November 09, 2008 at 12:38 PM PST | permalink

Posted by jamespheonix

dude u have way to much time on your hands ¬_¬

November 15, 2008 at 04:15 PM PST | permalink

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