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Cronus' Blog

Mug Shots

It's the time of year where no shift is complete without a mug of hot cocoa. So while logging on and drowning a marshmallow, I notice something strange. It's almost as if someone is watching me. A chill runs down my spine as I look behind me and see nothing amiss in my office. Then suddenly, as I whisk away to my ship, I see it. She's sunk to a new low of spying on me. I always knew she only had eyes for me, but this is ridiculous. Is it too much to hope that Hera didn't bug all these busts of herself?

Thar be Busts

As my cocoa starts to cool and the marshmallow turns to goo, I head to another ocean. It didn't take me long to realize she'd struck there too. Is no place safe? Apparently she couldn't find a tree large enough, so she just decided to write our initials on my ship with scarecrows. Her obsession is starting to worry me and the other OMs. How can we work like this? What must her ship look like if she's this fixated? How long must I suffer her evil shenanigans? Maybe it's time we recommission the HeraBot3200?

H and C

These are all questions that I won't be able to answer, even when drinking some hot cocoa with extra marshmallows. Even now, as I sit here with my warm mug, I feel her watching me.

Mug on a Mug

For those of you curious, the above are a few of the items I picked up at the DreadRingers and OOOWhirled Zazzle Stores. I plan on getting a Christmas portrait on some postcards to use as my holiday greetings. Ho ho harrrrr!

To New Beginnings!

Spring is the season for many things. Because I'm not really one for cleaning, that idea was tossed right out. For me it's about new beginnings, where fresh life sprouts up for us to enjoy. I'm proud to say that this is the case for me, for I have found love!

I feel as if it's only right to include my pirate friends as I share my joy. So I thought I'd show you a few pictures of our budding romance. It was clear that all this time she was acting coy, but really she just wanted to be closer to me.

However, before we could date, she needed a makeover. Now she looks like the one she loves the most... me!


She realized she belonged to me when we went on a nice romantic walk on the beach. That's what she said was her favorite thing to do apart from getting caught in the rain. Look at the joy in her eyes, the bounce in her step, and the flush of fear joy in her cheeks! She wanted to tie the knot, so I offered to tie her hands behind her back. After all, my mother taught me to be a gentlemen.

A Walk to Remember

May this spring bring you the same meal joy that mine has brought me. Time for ye to begin something new.

The Curse of the Cursed Isles: Day Four

Cronus' message in a bottle, 27th November, Still floating.

My subjects continued to try to paddle the makeshift raft throughout the night. Unfortunately they're horrible conversationalists, so I was incredibly bored. I tried everything to keep my mind off my hunger. I tried to create patterns out of the stars, tried to whistle, and tried to nap. I knew I was at an all time low when zombie 2 was poorly acting out the tale of Tantalus in an impromptu game of charades. Thankfully I still had some rum.

After waking up from another rum-induced nap, I noticed my 3 subjects moaning incoherently and pointing. There on the horizon was splash of tan and green. It was land! Unfortunately in the other direction I could see sails breaking through the green haze. This time it wasn't a single sail belonging to a raft, but something much larger. After spending this long with the three stooges of putrid flesh, I had no desire to find out who was manning that eerie looking vessel.

I've issued orders to my crew and I can only hope we make it to land before that ship. It'll be close as the green haze seems to make everything more difficult. I can barely hear the surf in the distance. It shouldn't be long now...

Cronus' message in a bottle, 27th November, Kissing Sand.

I couldn't help but gleefully lay on the sand making sand angels. As soon as we made it close to shore the ships chasing us turned about. My 3 followers look to me waiting for my next order. They might be considered endearing if it wasn't for all the drooling. I'm no fool, I ordered them to stay on the beach while I searched for food. I wasn't about to share.

My search for food on this dreadful slice of Tartarus has been nothing but painful. I tried to eat a grub and was attacked by ants with a bite of fire, my search for a coconut only made me fall out of a tree when a large bird tried to land on my helmet, and combing the foliage only caused every inch of my body to turn red and itch. It was my last diving effort at a crawling crab that finally brought me food. Well, truthfully, it pinched my toe and I fell over onto it. But the point is I got it.

So yet another day passes without me seeing my friends. I must admit I'd even welcome mom's nagging. She'd be annoyed that I'm currently using the horn on my hat to cook the crab above the fire. She'd know of some plant that would stop some of the swelling and itching. As I write this I can't help but wonder where they are. I can tell you that I'm ready to go home where food is abundant; this crab isn't going to cut it. At this point, I'm hungry enough to eat Demeter's pony. I'll just have to think of a plausible story for it's sudden disappearance...

Will Cronus find his crew? Will the itching ever stop? Will Demeter's pony be safe? Find out next time, on the Puzzle Pirates Blog!

Below is an Excerpt from the Logge of Chatte.

Cronus says, "Ouch ouch ouch ow ow you little bugger!"
Crab says, "Squeak."
Cronus falls over a piece of drift wood.
Crab says, "Sque--umph."
Cronus says," Ha take that!"
Cronus stares triumphantly and his soon-to-be dinner while itching his blotchy skin.

Pssst! there's an ongoing need for illustrations to go with this mission report, so that Headquarters does not yell at our castaways for their lack of diligence in providing visual documentation of their journey. Information on this can be found in this forum thread, and contributions chosen for inclusion will be rewarded most handsomely.

The Curse of the Cursed Isles: Day Three

Cronus' message in a bottle, 26th November, Floating again.

I think my heart almost dropped into my boots when I saw the sail in the distance. It wasn't necessarily the sail, but the outline of the figures aboard that worried me. They didn't look like any pirates I'd seen before. They almost appeared to glow in the same way that the surrounding fog did. They weren't on a ship, but on some type of raft.

I tried to maneuver the raft in the opposite direction, but my helmet made for a lousy oar. I tried every trick I could think of to move the raft, I even tried to conjure up some seafaring incantations that Oceanus once taught me. None of my maneuvers seemed to be working as they inched closer. My only reward for my efforts was a tingling feeling in my hands. It was the same feeling that I get if I fall asleep on my arm after a large turkey buffet.

It wasn't long before they had rammed my little makeshift raft and started to board mine. 3 of the menacing creatures slowly moved towards me mumbling incoherently and brandishing ropes, pins, and chains. I'd seen that look before. It was the same one I get when contemplating my next meal. Never before had I thought *I* would end up being the meal. I put up my hands warding them off.

I watched with one eye open as they froze as if mesmerized. Their hands fell limp to their sides while they stared blankly at me. The tingling in my hands suddenly stopped and only a faint glow remained. I carefully stood mumbling something about needing a drink. Suddenly each one reached for the rum to hand it to me. It was like they were enchanted, hanging on my every order.

They seem content to let me scribble on this pad while they try to paddle. Another raft came by, but my 3 new subjects fended them off easily. I took the opportunity to continue my notes while drinking some rum and snacking on a lime. I wouldn't want to take advantage of my new subjects and give them any demeaning or unnecessary task, so I made sure to only issue important instructions when necessary. I could get used to this.

Below is an Excerpt from the Logge of Chatte.

Cronus says, "Cronus says, place this hand on your head."
Three thralled creatures place a hand on their head.
Cronus says, "Cronus says, place your other hand on your belly."
Three thralled creatures place a hand on their stomachs.
Cronus says, "Cronus says, pat your head."
Three thralled creatures pat their head.
Cronus says, "Rub your belly."
Two thralled creatures rub their bellies.
Cronus says, "Zombies 1 and 3, you're out!"
Zombies One and Three say, "U nO FaIr U ChEEtEd!"

Will Cronus find his way to shore? Will his new subjects turn on him? Who will be the first to be eaten?

Pssst! there's an ongoing need for illustrations to go with this mission report, so that Headquarters does not yell at our castaways for their lack of diligence in providing visual documentation of their journey. Information on this can be found in this forum thread, and contributions chosen for inclusion will be rewarded most handsomely.

The Curse of the Cursed Isles: Day Two

Cronus' message in a bottle, 25th November, Floating.

I regained consciousness immediately following a rather large wave that almost knocked my helmet into the dark depths. I'm lucky I was able to find it just as the ship ran into those pesky rocks and began to break apart. But there it was, with one horn stuck in a large plank of wood. The last thing I remember was jumping in after it. I never would have run into the rocks in the first place had Hephaestus not been yelling at me. I hate backseat drivers.

I've heard tales of being stranded in the middle of the ocean. Apparently they weren't exaggerating, it's rather unpleasant. The most disturbing thing was feeling things brush my legs as I dangled off a hunk of wood. For a brief moment I had hope that it was some creature full of protein. I was most disappointed to find that it was only seaweed. That's not edible, that's almost like a salad.

Once I got my bearings and realized that bobbing around like a cork wasn't getting me anywhere, I noticed there were some other floating items nearby. I brought them closer and lashed them together with some rope scraps. Thankfully, one of the crates was full of bottles of rum. I drank one, it would be silly to waste it after all, and placed my previous notes in it. It's now drifting on the current somewhere. I have enough bottles in this make-shift pontoon to set an epic poem adrift. Apart from the rum, I've found nothing of use apart from some limes and a useless bucket. I decided to keep the limes and toss the bucket, no one would miss it anyway.

So now I'm board, a little drunk, hungry, and laying on what's left of the Enterprising Stargazer. Clearly the ship needs a new name, so I christened my creation the Enterprising Stargazer-B. Unfortunately it would only have a crew of one. There's been no sign of the others. I'm sure mom's worked herself into a frenzy worrying about me.

I'm not sure if it's the rum, or a result of that pufferfish I ate, but it looks like there's something out there. To be fair, the last time I had rum and puffer I ended up singing the full score to several musicals outside of Nemesis' window. She said I was obnoxious and threatened to kill me, but mom always said that girls only say that if they really fancy you.

I saw it again. There's definitely something out there. It's hard to tell with the swirling clouds and this heavy green fog. But something's moving out there, I can only hope it's edible. I'll have to find a way to get closer...

If this bottle washes upon your shore, know that my desperation forced me to cast it into the seas. Please, I beg you, send food... oh, and a search party.

Below is an Excerpt from the Logge of Chatte.

Cronus says, "Hellooooo" *hic*
Cronus says, "Is anyone out there?"
Creepy Green Fog says, "Swish swoosh...Groan"
Cronus says, "Over here, help! I'm starv- Oh no...!

Will Cronus find land? Will the mysterious unknown be his undoing? Will he be able to get a snack? Find out next time, on the Puzzle Pirates Blog!

Our sponsors would like us to let you know that there is an ongoing need for illustrations to go with this mission report, so that Headquarters does not yell at our castaways for their lack of diligence in providing visual documentation of their journey. Information on this can be found in this forum thread, and contributions chosen for inclusion will be rewarded most handsomely.

First Time For Everything

In a flash of brilliance I decided that my first blog entry needed to do something exciting or memorable. Unfortunately, that's where the flash ended. In general I'd like this blog to bounce between silly, serious, and totally off topic posts. So before I start on a more serious post, I thought I would answer the two most common questions I get via /tell.

Q: What is your favorite food? A: Hera. Demeter was a little too salty.

Q: Why do OMs hide on their ships? A: Petitions and complaints are dealt with in another window. When I'm on land I get a lot more tells that I end up accidentally ignoring because I'm not even looking at the window. I've even been known to fall asleep while standing on a random ship. I come back to the window to see that the ship I have just renamed is now pillaging and I'm in battle. To the sails!

Because so many people ask to come on my ship, I thought I would periodically show people some of the ships belonging to OMs. You can see a lot about our personality by our ships. For example, all of my ships are exactly the same. This is because my feeble mind can't possibly remember where things are if they aren't where they should be. I like to tell people that I chose a merchant brig because I was a harvest titan. However, the truth is that I could fit all the tables that I needed right next to the arrow. Here's a view from the top deck of my ship on Malachite. See, not very interesting. However other OMs have far more interesting ships.

Gaea for example, has no ship that looks the same, and the useful furniture is plunked around the deck in some random fashion I have yet to figure out. Some of her ships are painted, others not. Perhaps this is her way to remember which ocean she's on. I'll expect that she will soon write the name of the ocean out in hemp stacks. Here's a view of Gaea's ship on Cobalt.

I also went to her ship on Midnight and being the good guest that I am, I left her a little gift. Not to be outdone, she returned the favor and my Midnight ship now looks like a scene from the Jungle Book.

So what's the point of this post you ask? It's just a warning to not irritate Gaea unless you want to want to experience a whole new meaning of the phrase, "Go Green." Stay tuned for my next installment of my rambling, "Keeping Your Account Secure - i no getz haxx0rd ne mor".

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